couples get back together every day; you just need to understand how it happens

Should I Sleep With My Ex?

The answer is maybe. When the time is right. Obviously if you want to get back together with them, that's going to involve sleeping with them sooner or later. In fact it's almost a trick question. The real question is how you know the time is right.

At one end of the spectrum is true reconciliation; at the other end of the spectrum is the emotionally charged booty call. There's a whole lot of emotion in between. I'm going to talk about the spectrum in a second, but first let me make one thing clear:

Avoid The Emotionally Charged Booty Call!

Here's a secret about the emotionally charged booty call: it doesn't start out as a booty call at all, nine times out of ten. The worst-case scenario is, your ex calls you, you talk on the phone for 45 minutes, and at the end of the conversation, you rush over to their place to sleep together. Guess what happens next? They grow distant immediately.

That's when it turns into a booty call. Occasionally you have somebody callous or manipulative who starts out to make it a booty call from the get-go, but that is actually very rare. What's much more common is, it starts with the emotion, the emotion comes to a head too soon, and you have a passionate false reconciliation. Instead of letting the emotion build a solid bridge between you, where you can meet on that bridge and build a relationship again, the emotionally charged booty call takes that emotion, explodes it into passion, and then the energy just fades away into nothing.

It's like fire. You're starting a fire, you put some pieces of newspaper under the logs to function as kindling. The pieces of newspaper will start burning bright the instant they contact fire, and that fire will rapidly consume the kindling and slowly move upwards to the logs. So you always have to balance a lot of kindling with a few logs, because otherwise the kindling burns away and the logs haven't even been heated. That's what it's like. The kindling is the sex; the logs are the relationship; the emotion is the fire. You absolutely need the slow burn if you're going to bring your relationship back together.

In the fast burn, the fire burns away the kindling without ever making the logs catch fire. In the emotionally charged booty call, the sex burns away the emotion without ever moving up to the relationship level. If your ex calls you, that means they're interested; that's good. You want to keep that interest, but you want to keep it burning slowly, so it doesn't fade out, and instead builds up to the relationship stuff beyond sex, the same way the kindling (if properly balanced) will heat up the logs above and turn the quick-burning paper into a lasting fire that'll keep people warm all night, whether it be a bonfire or a campfire or a fire in somebody's fireplace in their home.

The quick burn-away becomes a booty call because your ex won't have the emotional energy any more - they'll have spent it in passion. That's a great way to spend emotional energy when you've got a healthy relationship which generates lots and lots of emotional energy. When your relationship is fragile or in pieces, you need to be smart about how you spend that energy, because there's less of it. If you're doing the right things, and your ex feels the tug of your connection pulling them back to you, that's great. The key is to keep doing the right things.

For that, you need to know what the right things are, and there's no better place to learn (in my opinion) than here: The Magic Of Making Up.