couples get back together every day; you just need to understand how it happens

Maturity And Gratitude Are The Power Moves

In my article about my ex-girlfriend Lisa, I explained a trick to get your ex back. I want to go into some detail about this, because this is NOT just about making your ex jealous. You might see some people say that on the Web, but they would be missing the point.

Here's the tactic:

For instance, if a girl dumps you, thank her for it. Stay in touch with her. Tell her how much better your life is now, and tell her how much you learned from her, and how you're doing the right thing with women now. Explain to them that they made the world a better place for women by teaching you what you needed to learn. Apologize for the pain they went through while you learned that, and tell them, "even though our relationship didn't work out, I'm glad you're my friend, because I owe you a lot. Any time I can help you out, just let me know. I gotta go now, I have a date."

What's she going to think? She's going to think, I went through all that anguish and heartache to make him into a better man, and now some other chick gets the new improved him for free? She's going to feel like that other girl is robbing her. That other girl doesn't even need to exist. Whether she's real or not, she'll bring your ex back to you so fast it'll make your head spin. There's more to it than that, of course - the maturity and the gratitude are the real power moves in this tactic.

I won't deny that jealousy is part of what makes this work. But it's very important to realize that jealousy is only part of the picture here. Maturity and gratitude are the power moves. What does that mean?

Say somebody breaks up with you. If you're reading this, there's a pretty good chance this is what has happened to you. I know it hurts. But think clearly about it. If your ex starts seeing somebody new, you're going to want to know who it is. You can't help it - it's human nature. And if you start seeing somebody new, your ex will want to know who it is too. They can't help it either. It's human nature for them, too. This works for men or women, it doesn't matter. Human nature is human nature.

If somebody breaks up with you, and they hear you're dating somebody new, they're going to want to believe that the new person you're dating, whoever it is, isn't as awesome as they are. They're going to want to hear that the new person is uglier than they are, or not as smart, or not as nice, or inferior to them in some way or another. They will realize that this is petty of them, and they will wish they were being more noble about it, but human nature is human nature.

The first reason this tactic works is because you are taking the high ground. By expressing gratitude and maturity, you are having the reaction that they wish that they could have. If they just dumped you, and then you do something which makes them realize that at least on this particular issue, they have to look up to you, this will undermine their decision about breaking up with you. They will feel they underestimated you.

But that is nothing compared to the second reason this tactic works, which is much more powerful. Remember, if they just broke up with you, and they hear you're seeing somebody new, their first instinct will be to compare your new love interest to themselves, and to find reasons that your new love interest is inferior to them. That's completely natural. That's life. But if you tell them that all the problems in your relationship together made you into a better boyfriend or a better girlfriend, then they stop comparing your new love interest to themselves. What they start doing is they start comparing the new you to the old you.

That's the key. You need to take initiative in guiding their thinking. Because here's the thing - if they're comparing your new love interest to themselves, you're screwed either way. I'm a guy, so I'm going to use the example of a woman breaking up with me, but if you're a woman, and a guy just broke up with you, believe me, it is the same thing. Through and through, the same thing. So here's my example. A woman breaks up with me. I start dating an uglier woman, and my ex goes, "haha, he's a loser, his new girl is ugly and I am awesome." But say it goes the other way. Say a woman breaks up with me, and I start dating a better-looking woman. My ex looks at that and goes, "haha, what a dickhead, I'm so glad I dumped him, because look how shallow he is." The point is, if they're comparing your new love interest to themselves, you can't win. Their ego and their pride won't let you win.

But if you tell your ex that you are grateful to them for the time you did have together, and you understand that time is over, but you've learned so much from them and your new relationship is going so much better, because of what they taught you, this is going to make them want you back. They're not comparing your new date to themselves. They're comparing the old you to the new you. And they have a bunch of opinions about how the new you ought to be, and if you ever listened to them in any fight you ever had - and since you care about them, and you want them back, I know you did listen - then you know exactly what to tell them.

And maybe this part is obvious, but: the truer your story is when you tell it, the better this tactic will work. I'll use a silly example, because where there's heartache, I don't want to get too serious. I know you can think of serious examples and figure out what to do. A silly example would be, my girl dumped me because I never used to open the door for her. So I call her and I tell her, "you know what, I have to admit it, you were right. We argued, and I thought I was right, but I was wrong. I held the door open for my new date and she loved it, every single time. I would never have guessed that such a silly, trivial gesture could make a woman smile so much."

A lot of the time, when somebody breaks up with you, it's only AFTER they tried to tell you what they wanted you to do different. Breakups hurt. They hurt for everybody. I guarantee you, whoever broke up with you, they looked for a way to make things better first. They might not have looked as hard as you wanted them to. They might not have even told you they were looking. But they looked. Everybody looks. If they discover that you figured out what needed to change and made things better, they're going to wish they hadn't broken up with you. If you then go, "hey, I've got to go, I have a date", this adds urgency to the situation. You figured out the solution to the problem; they shouldn't have broken up with you; and now you're already getting snapped up by some other person who is going to get for free everything that your ex fought and struggled for.

Now of course no advice is guaranteed here. I'm writing on my laptop. You are not here in my living room; I have never met your ex; I'm only telling you what I've learned. And the truth is, I don't know as much about it as some people. You want somebody with a system and a plan, I'm not the guy to go to, but I can tell you who is, and where to find him. The guy to go to is this good-natured Southerner called T Dub. I'm not kidding, that's really what he calls himself. He has a lot more detail about this and he's helped a lot of people. His web site is called The Magic Of Making Up.